When I was little, one of my very favorite birthday/Christmas presents was a full length mirror. Having a birthday so close to Christmas it was often hard for stuff to be really special – but my parents put together an amazing scavenger hunt that ended up with me face to face with myself. I was absolutely mesmerized. Here was this shiny piece of glass that did magic – it let me look right back at myself.

 
Today, I think a lot of people would love to live without the mirror because that reflection – that face — staring back doesn’t show them what they really want to see. There have been times in my life when I have been so completely different on the surface than I really am that the reflection would sometimes scare me. I would see a total stranger staring back in that glass.

When I first became a Christian I didn’t really know a whole lot. I knew I had radically encountered Christ, I knew my heart was fully His, and I knew He had given me a path to forgiveness and healing. He had provided me a way to step out of the shattered broken mess I was in into His healing. I knew, loved and praised God. People were another story. God was perfect – perfect love, perfect grace – just fully perfect. But people were where a lot of the brokenness had come from. People hadn’t always been so great.

I knew very little of the grace filled community I would be joining. I knew very little of the bible – words now written on my heart. I did know the 10 commandments. I think most adults could rattle off at least a majority of that list, that Christian “thou shall not do” list. Walking into the church where I knew I should be – where I would absolutely encounter Christ and where my life would eventually radically change — all I knew was that I wanted to be there and I couldn’t let anyone know where I was coming from. I walked into church that day knowing very little other than I didn’t measure up to those 10 commandments. I hadn’t broken one or two – I walked into church that day knowing I had very literally broken every one. And I was absolutely certain that if any of the amazing people that were surrounding me, talking to me, welcoming me; if any of them knew who I really was I knew I would no longer be welcome in those doors. I had intensely encountered Christ – I knew His forgiveness – but I didn’t give the people around me the same credit.

Those first years as a Christian, the mask began to form. I actually had a lot of personal growth, a lot of healing and letting go, a lot of tears and a lot of late nights with God… but no one else had a clue. To them, I was this happy, healthy balanced Christian – the “good” Christian I thought I was supposed to be. It wasn’t their fault – it was the elaborate mask I had created and wore all the time. Somewhere in there I completely lost externally the identity that was exploding in me. In me was life and light – I was forgiven and loved. Externally I was the “good” Christian without a past. And I was terrified that internal would break free. If that light was seen I would have to tell them. Tell them who I was, who I really was. REALLY! Only by knowing who I had been could that unbelievable light in me make sense.

And then I heard a scripture that changed me.

Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

And I looked in the mirror. I had no idea who the person looking back at me was. The illusion was terrifying. Inside I felt like a person alive but the reflection showed lifelessness. I wanted that light inside of me to shine in my reflection. I wanted to see the person I felt like I was when I looked in the mirror. Instead I saw the person I had covered myself up with and that person was not alive. I was certain that person was in no way shining their good deeds and lighting the house. I was so busy making sure everyone never knew who I was that no one knew who I had become. The reflection was haunting.

I prayed. I wanted God to show me how to let my light shine, but I still hid. I believed I could somehow break free without everyone knowing. God knew better and through a very God planned sequence of events I found myself recording a segment for a video that would be played at my church for their upcoming building campaign. Honestly, I don’t really know how I got there, and I know that while I was sitting in front of that camera telling my story… my very real story… everything in my brain was firing warning lights and telling me to stop. But I didn’t. My story was told. My story was played for thousands who called my church home on a weekend. Sitting there in the audience, I remember just waiting for them to come ask me to leave, for them to shrink away from me after service.

But even in that fear, I remember actually being able to really breathe for the first time. There was nothing left to hide. The mask had come off and I was me – really me. And as the light began to emerge from me, an amazing thing happened. I was not asked to leave, I was not shunned. I was loved. I had people who knew me supporting me, hugging me, and giving me unconditional acceptance. I had people I didn’t know thanking me for my bravery, telling me they had been in the same places I had been and were so grateful that someone was strong enough to help them see that there was a home for them. That this house we all come to was the house God always intended, broken people who all had a past that only God could overcome.

Mark 2:17 “On hearing this, Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’”

So what is the reflection you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like the person looking back at you – are you wearing a mask? Are you hiding who you are? Or do you know the freedom of real grace and love. The freedom of being a sinner who has been forgiven and whose light is shining freely for the forgiveness you have received. I love the reflection I see now – I shattered the illusion the mask had covered and can now see freely the real face staring back at me. And I know that my story is one that God is using – just like everything it is not about me. My story is one of victory – and being willing to share that story with others, to share with them where my hope and light come from, enables them to encounter God in the same way I did. My story enables them to know His amazing love and grace.

My reflection is one of freedom, and I pray that everyone’s mirror someday reflects the same for them.

So the conversation went something like this… His words are in my head; my words are in his head. That got me pondering that conversation – pondering thoughts – the title he gave me. Of course! My thoughts are in his head — or was it the other way around?

But really, what it got me focused on are thoughts. What we think – the games our minds play – shape so much of the reality that we really live every single day. Our thoughts can ground us, stop us dead in our tracks; or they can launch us, move us into the atmosphere of the dreams that we dream. They can build our faith, our daily conversations with God, and lead us to the path He has perfectly planned for us. Or our thoughts can run away from the reality God wants us in and cause us to take our plans into our hands and move perilously into the worldly; walking where I matter more than He. Thoughts are powerful. They have been shaped by every part of the lives that we have led, the influences that we have let in, and they have the power to really impact and guide our mood and the way that we view every situation, task, trial or opportunity. Those thoughts I have been pondering direct the attitude I have every day. It is a war up there in my brain – but the great new is — when I think about those thoughts — I can actually win every day.

My thoughts have run the gamut of the spectrum. I have found myself having arguments that never actually existed. A perceived slight, a hurt, poor treatment, and for days I argue with that person in my head over and over. I imagine entire scenarios where the person fights back with me and we have an entire verbal war that never actually occurs. That whole mental escapade shapes not only my relationship with that person, but also how I approach the day. I became more negative and combative in all my interactions because of the mind battle that is occurring in my thoughts. When I interact with that person – really interact with them – I act as if this imaginary battle that they know nothing about is real, causing our actual conversation to be negative and defensive.

Days when I don’t check how my thoughts begin I have entire internal dialogues. I shape every task I do by where my thoughts lead me. I am as productive – or not productive – as my dialogues have me being. I approach tasks with engagement – or disengagement – as I have thought myself to be. I am encouraging and loving to others – leading from a place of service, or I am closed and self-focused; all depending on the conversations I have had with myself.

And ladies – you know it is true! When I find myself attracted to someone, a whole romance can occur right there in my head. I plan an entire future in my mind without even the slightest encouragement from the guy. Suddenly – in my own thoughts – we are dating and I can imagine this whole future without ever having even the slightest hint that the guy has the same thoughts, or any thoughts, about us. And when that romance has thoroughly written itself in my mind – I let my guard down on how our interactions should be and try to live the relationship I imagine to exist. Worse yet, I try to force it and end up upset, hurt or angry when the guy doesn’t seem to be living the same romance I have scripted in my thoughts.

Here I am – pondering the power of my thoughts; the world that I can create entirely in my head. A world that more often does not reflect the real world that God has placed me in. Creating my own master plan and forgetting that I have a Master who already knows the plan that should be – a perfect, heavenly, all-knowing Father! He knows the thoughts I should be thinking.

So what does that perfect, heavenly God say about thoughts? What is His guidebook for me?

Romans 12:1-2 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

Colossians 3:1-2 “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

So how do I win my thoughts? How do I claim my mind for the good that God has for me? It is all about loading those thoughts with God. The more He is in my head, the less I am. And let’s face it; nothing good happens when I am in my head.

To accomplish this, I have to stock my mental arsenal with the Word of God. His Word is my instruction manual. When I start to take over – His Word can pull me back, refocus me, and reground me. I have to really know what His Word says about me, about others, and about how I should live my life and face every situation. When the storms occur, and they will occur, His word in my head comforts me, gives me hope and promise, and guides me to dance in the rain and not drown in the flood.

Along with His Word, I have to be regularly, unceasingly in conversation with God. The more I am talking to Him – the less I have my own internal dialogues that take over my life and actions. And with prayer, I also spend time worshipping Him — through service, in thanksgiving, in words, in relationships, and in music. Worship is the best defense when my mental war rages. When I find my mind taking over, I can turn on worship music and find myself instead singing along and He overtakes all the enemies I was creating in my head. I have never been able to sing along and praise my amazing God and still continue a mental battle against imaginary attackers. In fact, when I truly put my heart into praise and worship, I often completely forget the fight that was in my head, but I also forget the words, or hurt, or pain that launched the negative thoughts in the first place.

I personally also find that my writing helps. I keep a journal that is just a place to get those pondering thoughts out of my head. If I write through what it is that is consuming me, I often see where I have taken over and where God has a better way for me, a plan for me that when I open the door to Him – and close the door to me – works the issue out in reality and gets it out of my head where it controls me. If for some reason I can’t find it just by writing it, the writing at least gives me a launching point to see the response in God’s word. I see what the dominating thought is, take to the internet for reference scriptures, and then dive into the bible for what God’s Word is patiently waiting to teach me.

Finally, I use my friends – my faith filled Christian friends who I know guide their lives by writing the Word of God on their hearts and who ground themselves in prayer and worship. If I share with them where my thoughts are taking me over – the situations that I have begun to script out in my head – they help me get the words out of my head and actually deal with them. My friends help me see what is real, help me think positively about whatever situation I am in, help ground me in what is really taking place and what God has to say about it instead of my thoughts running away and creating an entire life of their own. My friends can tell when my thoughts are negative – and help me turn them into positive thoughts.

So where has all this pondering gotten me? Awareness of the thoughts I think is the first step to turning them into a weapon I can use to my advantage instead of a weapon used against me. Awareness of my thoughts helps me know when I am taking me over, and is a reminder for me that my role in life is not about me. It is all about loving my perfect God, loving people, and living a life God calls me to; the life He has always wanted me living in the first place.

Mark 12:30 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Psalms 68:5 “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy dwelling.”

I want to tell you about a woman I consider to be a hero. This isn’t introspective – I think her story teaches a lesson greater than my words ever could.

I have had the opportunity to travel with a phenomenal organization – Horizon International (www.horizoninternationalinc.com). The last three years I have gone to Cape Town South Africa where we focused on the children living in the Langa Township who have been orphaned by the HIV-AIDS pandemic. Horizon’s mission is to bring hope to AIDS orphans. In my work there, there have been several amazing women I could – would – call hero. Women whose faith and service I hope only to have even a small portion of. Women like Cecelia – who overcame her own prejudice and said yes to God’s call to go into the township and help these children – long before a partnership with Horizon existed — who gives all her time, energy and effort to serving these amazing kids. Or women like Coleka and Volyessa who live in the township and give everything they have to these otherwise underserved, forgotten children. Or any of the grannies / caregivers (often grandmothers, great-grandmothers, great-aunts) in their golden years, fighting their own health issues, and living with very little; women who should be taken care of, but instead are raising their grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews who have lost their parents to HIV-AIDS.

Any of them are worthy of being called hero; most definitely women for whom strength and love define the lives that they lead. But there is one woman in particular – Pauline – who I define as my hero. Pauline is 68 years old and is raising 5 orphans not related to her in any way. A woman who had four children of their own – 2 dead from HIV-AIDS, two simply “lost” to the party life. The oldest child that Pauline has – the first that she took in – is 21 year old Simphewhe. Simphewhe is an amazing young man; very smart and driven to help be the change so desperately needed to change Cape Town – inside the township and out. The amazing thing – we was literally thrown away in a dumpster. Pauline never hesitated to open her heart and her home – before child sponsorship was there to help (see more on this at the end). Since Simphewhe, Pauline has taken in 4 more amazing children. 3 boys and a great little girl who has spunk and attitude that given the right chance and opportunity will most definitely be a game changer in her world. Pauline has been able to open her home because of help from Horizon’s sponsorship and care programs – but in talking to her I simply know she would be caring for these beautiful children anyway that she could – even without critical help. I have loved getting to know her and her five amazing children each year I return.

There is a song I love – Pioneer by the Band Perry. There is a line I feel describes Pauline. “Pioneer, your work is hard, but the future of us all rests on, the shoulders of your heart.” Pauline is a pioneer – forging a new life, new hope, and a new love in the lives of amazing children who only need a chance to change the world.

This year, talking to Pauline – she said “I am 68 years old, and I am just thankful to God that I have my health. I promised these children a home and a family and if I am wasn’t here, they wouldn’t have that.” At 68 – having lived a hard, heartbreak-filled life, her concern is only for children the world threw away. And when she talks about these kids, her face is light. She finds joy in the family god has given her. Her laugh as she talks of their “adventures” is a priceless sound that remains with me.

And I know that she gives everything to these kids – you can see it in the way they thrive. In the way they embrace life. Khipro – the youngest boy and the last child that Pauline took in two years ago – is the best example. I first met him the first time I came to Cape Town but barely remember him. He was just quietly blending into the back. Last year he stole my heart (I think he stole all our hearts). He clung to us for love, but wouldn’t run or play. He wouldn’t smile, and definitely wouldn’t show his teeth which are rotted out. He was in no way a 5 year old boy. I began sponsoring Khipro shortly after that trip. This year, when I returned, I saw what an amazing difference just 2 short years in the loving home of Pauline and her “family” provided. It was night and day. Khipro amazingly became a 6 year old boy. He ran, he laughed, and he became a total boy with the other boys. My heart actually leapt with happiness every time I saw the huge smile on his face, no longer caring about the rotted out teeth but just enjoying being a child. Two short years with a loving family and Khipro got his childhood back.

I am so thankful women like Pauline have stepped up and said yes to the orphans – who desperately need only a chance to change the world. And I am thankful for her example of real sacrifice, real love – God’s love – in my life.

Philippians 2:1-4 “therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, If any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded. Having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.”

A note on child sponsorship:

Horizon International offers the gift of sponsoring orphans in their program – children who have lost both parents to HIV-AIDS – a disease that in many areas has wiped out an entire generation of adults. Sponsorship enables these children to go to school (a condition of the program) and provides much needed help to the children and caregivers graciously raising them.

Sponsorship is not a light hearted decision – it is a life commitment to a child who you will grow to love as your own. It can last 18-20 years depending on how young the child is when you begin – they remain in the program as long as they are in school. But if you think you have interest in changing the life of a child long-term, ask me for more information or log onto the website (www.horizoninternationalinc.com).

When I was in Italy, one thing I heard over and over from locals and guides – was how Italians recycled – everything. I’m not talking here about aluminum, plastic and paper. No – Italian recycling has a much larger history.

Ever wonder why there are so many holes in the part of the colosseum still standing? All the metal was taken out in later years to be used as weapons in war. That is Italian recycling– old things, or parts of old things, garbled and blended together to make the beautiful cacophony of history and present that meld together today and change constantly into tomorrow.

I feel like that is what my life is. This blended beautiful noise that all comes down to a glorious God who has given me an amazing gift of grace that I could never earn, that I don’t deserve, and a life that I want to live in total thanksgiving of His love for me.

I know it is surprising because I seem so young – but I have a lot of years of history. A building built stone by stone. Some broken, some burnt, some perfect and hole, but especially from those critical years, built with lots of metal in the foundation – metal of bad choices, disastrous decisions, pain. It was hard cold metal that held me together but in very wrong ways, metal that turned me hard and cold in the process. An awe inspiring building on the outside but filled with secrets and shame and cold dark pain on the inside. A building that appeared indestructible but was actually crumbling with every added weight.

And much like the death that marked the inside of the colosseum – I was dying inside. I was attacked by everything I kept pouring into my life, until I could no longer face the lions and the gladiators, and I screamed out for help.

And in that dark death, I found light. I encountered Christ – really encountered Him. A heart change, a life change – for the first time I felt life and hope. For the first time I saw life beyond the massive cold hard walls I had built around me. I found the love I had been seeking so hard – and found peace in true unconditional acceptance. My God who created me, loved me even as I kept piling the cold hard steel of sin into my life with each bad decision. My God who gave me a way out – unearned, undeserved grace – sacrificed for me on the cross even before I was born.

Ephesians 3:17-19 “So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all that fullness of God”.

 1 John 4:16 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in them.”

The building took years to create, and it took years to become a ruin – a memory of the past that was. As stones crumbled and the cold hard metal was slowly removed. Years of getting to know the God – the light – outside the walls. There were definitely times I retreated back in, a little scared that the new world was just too good for me. There were times I went back and put some of the cold bitterness back in my foundation. But eventually it became easier to live the new, forgiven, grace filled life – joy filled life – God has always intended for me. Much like the colosseum today – only the empty shell remained. No longer holding in the death and destruction – only silent memories of what had been. No longer the center of action, but a part of the bigger picture. Only by trusting fully in God – giving my life, my heart, my whole faith – into my heavenly perfect Father could the walls come down. No longer my effort, but His love that rebuilt a life of hope out of the destruction.

 Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

And here is where the recycling comes in. All that cold, hard sin that used to hold me in darkness was removed and melted into weapons for the new battle I had joined. They became God words on my heart that help me stand strong when the temptations of the world try to take me back to the past. God’s love and hope on my life that help me attack new challenges and trials as they arise. God’s truth that helps answer all satan’s lies that constantly pursue me.

That cold darkness became a new story – a story that is a weapon to help others as they fight to find the same hope and joy outside of the walls that hold them in. By reusing what once destroyed me to show other hurting hearts that there is a path out, my weapons became something much greater than myself. Because my story was never just about me – but about all the lost sheep desperately striving for their shepherd’s voice.

My Father has made me new. Nothing other than God in my life, nothing that I have done, not my own effort – fully God. He has made me new from the old that was. He has recycled my story from death and destruction to life and hope.

1 John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

The old never fully gone, instead melted together into the new landscape. A sign to others locked in their old that there is a new waiting for them – just waiting for their hearts to break down the walls. For them to do the hard work of relying on God and removing the cold hard past.

My ruins recycled into God’s purpose.

My history recycled into His story in my life.