In those fun, ice-breaker / getting to know each other games, one of my favorites is “if you could spend a day with one person from history, who would it be? My answer never changes – there are lots who would compete fro second… Lincoln, Mandela, Mother Theresa, Peter… but top choice never changes, William Wilberforce. He is credited with a 26 year quest eventually successfully abolishing the slave trade in England. Wilberforce was a man who had two goals in life, to end the slave trade and to improve the human condition through the reformation of society. I first learned who he was through the movie Amazing Grace and have loved everything I have learned of him ever since. Two of my favorite quotes come from that movie. The first is the way Wilberforce encounters God. While history is clear that Wilberforce did radically encounter God as an adult — we of course don’t know that the movie quote is correct. But I love it anyway.

Wilberforce “It’s God. I have 10,000 engagements of state today, but I would prefer to spend the day out here getting a wet arse, studying dandelions and marveling at bloody spider webs.”

Butler “You’ve found God sir?”

Wilberforce “I think He found me. You have any idea how inconvenient that is? How idiotic it will sound? I have a political career glittering ahead of me, and in my heart I want spider webs.”

I don’t know why but I love that picture – it’s how I feel sometimes. I would rather marvel at God’s world around me than to go do the things laid before me. But like Wilberforce, I carry on. And thank God Wilberforce carried on in his political career as the good he fought hard for changed the world.

But this is really about the other favorite quote. Running together in the yard with his friend – Prime Minister William Pitt – Pitt says “Why is it you only feel the thorns in your feet when you stop running?” In the movie, Pitt is encouraging Wilberforce to keep running, but I always see something different in that quote.

We spend so much of our lives running. Running to make money, achieve, get the best friends, the most popularity, the most esteem. We quest at full steam to get everything we think we are supposed to have. Even in our faith, we often start running full speed ahead; serve everywhere we can, make sure everyone knows the scripture that is on our heart, make sure they can see how real and deep our faith is. Running, running, running.

I was running for a lot of years. Until one day I was stopped in my tracks. I found myself sitting in the corner of a concrete building with my bible, reading scripture and praying over the medical clinic that my short term mission team was holding in Ghana West Africa, on the small island of Ada without power or running water. I know what you are thinking, if I was running, how did I end up on a short term mission? But even that for me was part of my running, part of my quest to make sure that externally my faith was seen as full speed ahead – but God had a different plan for me in that trip. He stopped my running and helped me feel the thorns.

My first thorn was the small girl that halted me dead in my tracks. Sitting there, reading and praying, she quietly walked up to me and hopped onto my lap and just sat there with me. It was that moment I turned and looked into her eyes that the thorns became very real. I saw the little girl with so little in the world who so desperately wanted to be loved, held, that she sought it in a total stranger. It was the first time I began to really see the need that God holds dear. I had read the scriptures but never saw the need in them, just the obligation.

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this, to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Psalm 82:34 “Defend the week and the fatherless, uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

It was one of the quietest yet loudest moments in my life. The girl clung to me until we left the island, but I think I was clinging to her too; feeling the thorns, feeling a whole new awareness, awake-ness, a new purpose that was God’s purpose all along. I came home determined not to start running again – to be so caught up doing that I was never really seeing. Not to be so focused on what my life and faith looked like externally that I couldn’t hear the still small voice of God whispering in my ear.

When I came home, my eyes were different. I began to be aware of the thorns I had so easily ignored in my fast paced running. Thorns came as needs all around me – everyday needs. I became aware of friends who withdrew from their normal lives, only to reach out and find they were going through tough times and needed someone to just be there for them. I wondered how many thorns I hadn’t felt in the past – wondered about friends literally gone and wondered if there had been a time they just needed someone to be there for them. I became aware of opportunities in my everyday life to be a light; a word at work, a positive attitude to the people serving me at the grocery store or the pharmacy or the airport

I became aware of opportunities to draw closer to God; to praise, pray, to write His Word on my heart, and to live every day knowing and worshipping the God who created me and gave His only Son to atone for me. I found myself desiring to more internally know my God and his amazing grace that washed away the years I spent running from Him before I inconveniently yet majestically and permanently encountered Christ. And I become aware of those times I began losing focus. The thorns, they keep me awake, alert, and alive in God.

2 Corinthians 12:6-9 “Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of those surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Sometimes the thorns really are inconvenient. Sometimes I want to start running again so that I can stop feeling them. But I remember my days of running. I imagine I was the thorns in many other people’s feet. I know people who prayed for me, who stuck by me through the worst, who never let me disappear, who answered when I cried out and needed someone to just be there for me. So for all the thorns I have caused, I pray that I remain awake, ever mindful of the needs God is showing me. That I never start running so much that God’s plan and God’s love in my life be forgotten, unnoticed or ignored. Wilberforce’s thorn was the source of slavery, and he stuck with God for 26 years, never losing sight of the need. I pray that I always have that awareness of God’s working in me, and that I endure the long road without losing faith.

Because I once was lost, but now I am found. Was blind, but now I see.

And I want to be ever seeing, ever hearing, ever grateful for God’s amazing grace. So I will praise every thorn he blesses me to feel.

I recently had a day when my soul was definitely not at peace. Not that life was bad – things have still been pretty amazing for me lately. Maybe because I have been in a good place, close to God, a lot of needs have been coming my way. So this morning, when I was already praying for some pretty big needs, some hurting friends, some darkness surrounding people I love – I learned of another family with a heavily tragic loss. My soul was definitely not at peace. I have recently learned that when breathing seems a little hard the best thing to do is jump into God’s word and let Him do some breathing for me.

I used to very anti glowing bible. But I have to admit, I have grown to love YouVersion… I still love my trusty binding and pages bible, but it is not feasible to have it with me all the time. So that morning, sitting at my desk, I grabbed my coffee and popped up my YouVersion. I have a few reading plans that I do all the time. Psalms and Proverbs in 31 days is one I do over and over. So I open my plan and here I see the first Psalm that I would be reading. I didn’t even need to open it before my breathing automatically eased, a smile crossed my face, and I knew God had orchestrated it all. There is nothing other than God to explain the perfection of this Psalm for this exact moment.

Psalm of peace for my soul.

Psalm 23

Psalm 23 “The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshed my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Shepherd “A person who tends, herds, feeds, and guards herds of sheep.”

According to Wikipedia: “to maintain a large flock, the sheep must be able to move from pasture to pasture… The duty of shepherds was to keep their flock intact, protect it from predators, and guide it to market areas in time for shearing.”

The Lord is my Shepherd. He tends to my needs, makes sure I am fed and guards me from the predators of this world that would harm me. He keeps His large flock – all His sheep – moving forwards with Him. I have nothing to worry about, He does the worrying for me so I can lie in rest in my own green pastures. He takes care of my earthly needs, like food and water – water that takes away the thirst deep in my soul.

When I rely on the guidance of my Shepherd, He leads me on the path He has planned for me. The path may be hard or rocky, but it is the right path, the path of life and blessing. He is my Shepherd, He knows where I need to get to and the best path for me to get there.

He is my Shepherd but I am still in the world. And many in the world have left the side of the perfect guide; have left the peace of the flock. They can do me harm – maybe even intentionally, definitely to my peril. The world can be hard and dangerous, dark valleys and shadows exist all around me — shadows of disease, shadows of temptation, and shadows of worldly driven people who surround me. But with my Shepherd by my side, watching out for me, with His rod and His staff prepared to fend off would be attackers – my God, my Shepherd, will keep me from harm.

The Lord is my Shepherd. And as I travel the pastures of this world, all I really need to know is that His goodness and mercy and love follow me everywhere that I go. And with my Shepherd, I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

And that is all the peace I need for my soul.

That peace is available for any sheep who find their way to the good Shepherd. Follow Him; still waters, green pastures, protection, goodness, love, and mercy await you. He is ready to lead you there.

My last post got me thinking about Christmases past. Two of my favorite stories of my childhood involve my grandpas. I was pretty spoiled by my grandpas – I was the only girl and tied for the youngest with my cousin on my mom’s side (until my teen years when my “baby” cousin came along). I was truly the baby on my dad’s side. Yes, I had my grandpas pretty well wrapped around my little finger.

Mom told me of a holiday gathering when her dad came into the kitchen while the women were cooking. This was a room in the house my grandpa did not frequent – before you get up in arms – this was an Indiana farm family and a very different time. So yes, the women were in the kitchen cooking and were shocked when grandpa came into the kitchen and began opening cupboards. After the shock wore off, someone asked if they could help him find something. His response, “Amber wants a glass of water, where do we keep the glasses?”

Dad’s dad spoiled me equally – or maybe even more. My parents remember a Christmas when they asked me what I was going to ask Santa Claus for. Now apparently, the year before I had told only Santa, in secret, something I really wanted. Since he was the only one who knew what I really wanted, I of course did not get it. But this next year I really, really wanted a “Snownut” (think snow sled meets donut). It was evidently the must have, hot, hard to find item that year. When my parents asked me if I was going to ask Santa for it, I proceeded to tell them that Santa let me down – finishing with “I’m not asking Santa, I’m going to ask grandpa!”

I realize not everyone had a great childhood, some may not have known grandparents or don’t have such loving memories of them. For you, this might be hard to relate to. But for me, I had good grandpas who I knew loved me and spoiled me. They were the model for me of who I now know is the greatest love and the best spoiler out there. God!

Yes, I just made the leap from grandpas to God. But stick with me. I will explain.

See, that adorable child that I was knew she was fully, unconditionally loved by my grandpas. But the adult me knows that as great as their love for me was, there is One who loves me even more fully, more unconditionally, and more perfectly than any human ever could.

Romans 8:35-39 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.”

 Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

 Ephesians 3:17-19 “So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

God’s love for me is greater than I can imagine or fathom. I fail Him – sometimes daily. I get busy and harrowed and forget to spend time with Him. I take His blessing and forget to thank Him. When I would see my grandpas as a child, I would always run to them for a grandpa sized hug. There are days that I just never get around to giving God and Amber-sized hug. I hear what God is saying to me, where He wants me to grow, change, start something, stop something, respond to someone, love someone or forgive someone. Yet even hearing Him, I fail to act. I get frustrated when He doesn’t respond fast enough for me or answer me in quite the way that I want Him to. Yet despite how much I mess it up, He stays right there with me, by my side patiently waiting for me and loving me with a much greater love than anyone in this world ever could.

And because He loves me, I know I can ask Him for those things I really want. When the Santa’s of the world let me down, I know that God wants to give me greater gifts than I even know to ask for.

1 John 5:14-15 “This is the confidence we have in approaching God that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him.” 

Matthew 7:11 “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him.”

James 1:17 “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

I got the Snownut that year, from my grandpa – not Santa. My grandpa, who had truckers he worked with scouring all over the U.S. to find my desired gift (I believe it was found and procured and brought back from a small town in Wisconsin or Minnesota). If my earthly grandpa would go to those lengths to get me a sled, how much greater are the perfect gifts my God has in store for me? I thought I absolutely had to have that sled, God knows what I really have to have. He knows the desires of my heart even before I do. He knows what I face in this world, and He knows where I will come out of it. He has the whole big picture vision and because of that, He can give me just exactly the puzzle piece that perfectly fits and ties everything together. All I have to do is ask – reach out to Him in my daily conversation, hear His words, know what aligns with His will, and ask with the childlike faith of a kid who knew that Snownut would be under grandpa’s tree that year.

Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Luke 17:6 “He replied, ‘if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘be uprooted and planted in the sea’, and it will obey you’.”

That doesn’t mean I just walk around with God in a bottle like a genie just waiting for me to rub the lamp and make a wish. No “poof”, it will happen expectations when it comes to God. My prayers and my faith are part of the relationship we have. We have daily conversations about life and not always just me asking. Sometimes just loving, sometimes just listening. Because my relationship is 2-way, I can ask in alignment with God’s will for my life and the desires He already knows to be in my heart and not out of momentary worldly lust or need. And I know with faith that He will answer.  The answer may not exactly be when, where, what, who or how I anticipated – but it is always much greater than I anticipated. And sometimes, the answer is completely different than what I asked for, but always for my own good and to phenomenal ends. Like all the “unanswered” prayers that we thank God for all the time. Sometimes it takes a lot longer for the answer to come than I would like – He never promised that it would be immediate. But He does promise it will be way better than my imagination can create.

Here is what I know. My grandpas taught me a lot about who God is by their example on earth. My God is pure and perfect love, unconditional, unearned amazing love. And He wants to give me the desires of my heart – He has better gifts for me than the world has (after all, Snownuts eventually break or get tossed forgotten into the basement). But most importantly, God wants to give me hope, peace and a real life. My grandpa got for me a glass of water – my God wants to be my eternal supply; living water.

John 7:37-38 “On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, ‘Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

John 4:13-14 “Jesus answered, ‘everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

God’s grace enables me to live free. God’s forgiveness enables me to live unashamed. God’s sacrifice enables me to live forever. My grandpa got me a glass of water that quenched my momentary thirst, but I am certain I have been thirsty thousands of time since. God’s water has quenched the empty, aching thirst in my soul forever.

So whether you had good experiences as a child or not, know that there is a perfect Father for you. Everything He has for me in my life He has for you in yours. He wants to spoil His very favorite. And just like my grandpas loved each of their grandchildren as their favorite… I am God’s favorite… and you are too.

So just ask Grandpa.

God is waiting patiently for your knock, your prayer, your heart.

When I was little, one of my very favorite birthday/Christmas presents was a full length mirror. Having a birthday so close to Christmas it was often hard for stuff to be really special – but my parents put together an amazing scavenger hunt that ended up with me face to face with myself. I was absolutely mesmerized. Here was this shiny piece of glass that did magic – it let me look right back at myself.

 
Today, I think a lot of people would love to live without the mirror because that reflection – that face — staring back doesn’t show them what they really want to see. There have been times in my life when I have been so completely different on the surface than I really am that the reflection would sometimes scare me. I would see a total stranger staring back in that glass.

When I first became a Christian I didn’t really know a whole lot. I knew I had radically encountered Christ, I knew my heart was fully His, and I knew He had given me a path to forgiveness and healing. He had provided me a way to step out of the shattered broken mess I was in into His healing. I knew, loved and praised God. People were another story. God was perfect – perfect love, perfect grace – just fully perfect. But people were where a lot of the brokenness had come from. People hadn’t always been so great.

I knew very little of the grace filled community I would be joining. I knew very little of the bible – words now written on my heart. I did know the 10 commandments. I think most adults could rattle off at least a majority of that list, that Christian “thou shall not do” list. Walking into the church where I knew I should be – where I would absolutely encounter Christ and where my life would eventually radically change — all I knew was that I wanted to be there and I couldn’t let anyone know where I was coming from. I walked into church that day knowing very little other than I didn’t measure up to those 10 commandments. I hadn’t broken one or two – I walked into church that day knowing I had very literally broken every one. And I was absolutely certain that if any of the amazing people that were surrounding me, talking to me, welcoming me; if any of them knew who I really was I knew I would no longer be welcome in those doors. I had intensely encountered Christ – I knew His forgiveness – but I didn’t give the people around me the same credit.

Those first years as a Christian, the mask began to form. I actually had a lot of personal growth, a lot of healing and letting go, a lot of tears and a lot of late nights with God… but no one else had a clue. To them, I was this happy, healthy balanced Christian – the “good” Christian I thought I was supposed to be. It wasn’t their fault – it was the elaborate mask I had created and wore all the time. Somewhere in there I completely lost externally the identity that was exploding in me. In me was life and light – I was forgiven and loved. Externally I was the “good” Christian without a past. And I was terrified that internal would break free. If that light was seen I would have to tell them. Tell them who I was, who I really was. REALLY! Only by knowing who I had been could that unbelievable light in me make sense.

And then I heard a scripture that changed me.

Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

And I looked in the mirror. I had no idea who the person looking back at me was. The illusion was terrifying. Inside I felt like a person alive but the reflection showed lifelessness. I wanted that light inside of me to shine in my reflection. I wanted to see the person I felt like I was when I looked in the mirror. Instead I saw the person I had covered myself up with and that person was not alive. I was certain that person was in no way shining their good deeds and lighting the house. I was so busy making sure everyone never knew who I was that no one knew who I had become. The reflection was haunting.

I prayed. I wanted God to show me how to let my light shine, but I still hid. I believed I could somehow break free without everyone knowing. God knew better and through a very God planned sequence of events I found myself recording a segment for a video that would be played at my church for their upcoming building campaign. Honestly, I don’t really know how I got there, and I know that while I was sitting in front of that camera telling my story… my very real story… everything in my brain was firing warning lights and telling me to stop. But I didn’t. My story was told. My story was played for thousands who called my church home on a weekend. Sitting there in the audience, I remember just waiting for them to come ask me to leave, for them to shrink away from me after service.

But even in that fear, I remember actually being able to really breathe for the first time. There was nothing left to hide. The mask had come off and I was me – really me. And as the light began to emerge from me, an amazing thing happened. I was not asked to leave, I was not shunned. I was loved. I had people who knew me supporting me, hugging me, and giving me unconditional acceptance. I had people I didn’t know thanking me for my bravery, telling me they had been in the same places I had been and were so grateful that someone was strong enough to help them see that there was a home for them. That this house we all come to was the house God always intended, broken people who all had a past that only God could overcome.

Mark 2:17 “On hearing this, Jesus said to them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’”

So what is the reflection you see when you look in the mirror? Do you like the person looking back at you – are you wearing a mask? Are you hiding who you are? Or do you know the freedom of real grace and love. The freedom of being a sinner who has been forgiven and whose light is shining freely for the forgiveness you have received. I love the reflection I see now – I shattered the illusion the mask had covered and can now see freely the real face staring back at me. And I know that my story is one that God is using – just like everything it is not about me. My story is one of victory – and being willing to share that story with others, to share with them where my hope and light come from, enables them to encounter God in the same way I did. My story enables them to know His amazing love and grace.

My reflection is one of freedom, and I pray that everyone’s mirror someday reflects the same for them.